Embracing Womanhood: What Being Childfree Means For A Modern Woman
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This post, Embracing Womanhood: What Being Childfree Means for a Modern Woman, is part of a series titled A Letter to My Niece. In these letters, I reflect on my journey through womanhood, exploring its challenges, joys, and milestones. I delve into themes of self-discovery, well-being, relationships, the menstrual cycle, and resilience. Through these reflections, I hope to inspire and connect with others.
Dear Ella,
This morning, I woke up realizing that, now in my forties, no one asks if I have children anymore. Yet, in my twenties and thirties, it was a question I faced constantly. I never expected my decision to be childfree to become such a topic of conversation.
It struck me that motherhood is just one of many societal pressures women face. We are also expected to conform to unrealistic beauty standards, defy aging, bear the weight of failed relationships, and effortlessly balance career and family.
As women, these pressures can feel overwhelming. My hope for you, young grasshopper, is that you always feel empowered to live life on your terms. Take time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings, separate them from others’ opinions, and remember—you have every right to live your life as you choose.
One message I often received was that womanhood is defined by motherhood—that bearing children is essential to being a woman. Ironically, this message didn’t come from our family, but from strangers and acquaintances. It was tough to hear, especially when I was repeatedly told I would regret my choice not to have children later in life.
Women’s Rights
I’m so grateful for the women who came before us and fought for our rights. Not long ago, women were considered men’s property. While we’ve gained legal rights, the social pressures we face remain intense—from how we look and what we say, to the deeply personal decision of whether or not to have children.
In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution gave women the right to vote. However, it wasn’t until the Voting Rights Act of 1965 that women of color were fully enfranchised, ensuring all women had access to this right.
In 1964, the Civil Rights Act (Title VII) prohibited sex-based discrimination in employment, opening many professional doors for women. But it took time for workplaces to truly embrace gender equality.
In 1972, Title IX of the Education Amendments required educational institutions to offer equal opportunities for women, allowing us to pursue careers in male-dominated fields. Yet, it took years for universities and institutions to fully implement these provisions and create an equal playing field.
Finally, in 1974, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act (ECOA) granted women legal independence to own property, open bank accounts, and access credit without needing a husband or male relative to co-sign. These changes didn’t happen overnight, but they paved the way for future generations of women to be more self-sufficient.
Looking back at the strides women have made in the past century, it’s hard to believe that within mama’s lifetime, she didn’t have the rights we now take for granted. While these monumental laws were passed to guarantee women’s rights, it took years for their full effect to unfold and reshape society. The impact continues to evolve, with women’s voices and participation growing stronger each year.
Am I Making a Mistake?
Do you remember when you were a toddler, Ella, and expressed a desire to become a mother? I noticed. From an early age, I knew I didn’t want children. I envisioned myself as a career woman.
The decision to remain childfree is one I questioned every month. “Am I making a mistake?” I’d wonder. “Will I regret this?” But each time my period arrived, I was reminded that this choice was mine to make.
Yet, these doubts would not have occurred if people hadn’t constantly asked, “Are you sure? Won’t you regret it?”
You’re Selfish. Why Don’t You Like Children?
This belief suggests that anyone who doesn’t want children is selfish, as though rejecting parenthood is unnatural. Society often positions parenthood as the ultimate fulfillment.
When people asked if I liked children, I often felt the need to quickly reassure them that I wasn’t some heartless, soulless creature. So, with a sheepish, cracking voice, I’d say, “I love children,” followed by, “I just don’t want my own.” As I imagined them picturing me as some cold, unnatural monster, like Goya’s Saturn Devouring His Son.
When Are You Going to Give Your Mother Grandchildren?
I once had an annual gynecological visit with a doctor who had known me since my teenage years. After a warm greeting, she asked, “When are you going to give your mother grandchildren?” She reminded me that I was past my prime childbearing years, and the older I got, the harder it would be to conceive.
I told her I had chosen a childfree life. She hadn’t expected that response. She assumed my partner and I were struggling to conceive and wanted to discuss fertility treatments.
I left the visit feeling conflicted. On one hand, I appreciated her concern. On the other, it felt intrusive and insensitive. I never saw her again.
You Will Achieve Ultimate Happiness Through Motherhood
“You can have it all,” they would assure me, insisting that motherhood would bring me ultimate happiness. How many times have I heard this?
One encounter I’ll never forget was at a business event, where a colleague tried to convince me that motherhood would complete me. When I didn’t budge, she turned to my partner and passionately tried to sway him on our childfree choice.
Who Will Take Care of You When You’re Old?
On a train ride from New York to North Carolina, a woman sitting next to me shared her own childfree choice, but told me she changed her mind in her forties. She then cautioned me that not having children would mean I’d have no one to care for me when I’m older.
I understood she meant well, but her unsolicited advice was yet another reminder of how deeply rooted societal expectations about parenthood really are.
You Are Not Complete Until You Have Grandchildren
A family acquaintance in her 90s once expressed concern about my decision to remain childfree. As she showed me photos of her grandchildren, she said, “I didn’t truly feel complete until I became a grandmother.”
I appreciated her thoughts but explained that I didn’t share those values. I chose a childfree life, and if I ever changed my mind, adoption would be an option.
Something shifted that day, and from that moment on, unsolicited advice never fazed me again.
In Conclusion
In my twenties, Tia once asked me, “When are you going to give me grandchildren?” I responded, “Tia, please don’t ask me that. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have children, but if my partner and I decide to, you’ll be one of the first to know.” That was the moment I stopped hearing those types of inquiries from family members.
We’ve been fortunate to have a supportive family, and I felt comfortable setting boundaries with them. However, I struggled to do the same with others outside our family.
Now, I understand that these interactions weren’t about me—they were about others’ fears, joys, and regrets. The reality is that our lives are unique. What might seem like a “bad decision” to someone else might be the best choice for us.
And with that, my dear Ella, I don’t know what challenges you will face. But please know that I’m here to support you, to be your sounding board in this journey of life.
Your Titi, who loves you and thinks about you every day! ❤️
